I'm done

I will no longer be writing for a number of reasons. 

Too short, too long

All it is, is off and on, off and on, I know it won't be that long

Holding strong, holding strong, it won't be long

Intoxicated

I'm intoxicated just can't take it 

Everyday of my life I feel like I'm faded

To a place I don't recognize or care to be

All this care free living don't really scare me

I said I'm intoxicated just can't take it

Everyday of my life I feel like I'm kinda faded

I don't wanna be don't wanna don't wanna be

I just want to go home

To where my bed is 

To Where my heart lies

To where my chest gets big when I talk to bar flies

Where it's actually refreshing to sniff the outside

And on Sunday mornings we like to go for a drive

Where our shoes fit nice and everybody is polite

And I can say your girls pretty without starting a fight

Because we all self aware nobody is jealous

And she doesn't get mad when I kick it with the fellas

Cause she knows that she's mine and I know that I'm hers

I've learned self expression through rappin my words

I've learned every situation doesn't have a cure

And I know I'm gonna make it through at least I'm pretty sure

I've been gone for sometime just long enough to feel that the churning in my stomach is actually real

I called home the other night and felt it go away

I might be gone for a time but you know I can't stay

Cause I'm intoxicated just can't take it

Everyday of my life I feel like I'm faded

To a place I don't recognize or care to be

I just wanna go home

Home where the road only knows one path

Where my nose can tell me where exactly I'm standing at

Cause familiar smells bring comforting feelings

Helps us forget these prison cells even have ceilings

Helps to cope with the feelings that we talk with to the dawn 

Another late night doubtful and when the day breaks I'm gone 

We're all just pawns in this game 

And I just keep on singin

And my phone keeps ringin

And my head keeps spinnin

And I keep on thinkin that there's something that I'm forgettin 

Heaven/Hell

Twisting lines of the bible because I know once upon a time I was told if I was good I would make it to heaven. 

It's hard to do good when you got more demons than the number of angels in the heavens. 

Living in hell because I like the heat. I always liked fire anyways. 

Selling my soul to be a lady killer, billionaire.

We are all just sinners and thieves some of us just have better masks. 

Thick smoke

I'm not saying I made the best decisions. Or what I did was right. I did what I did cause it was cool or maybe it's because peer pressure is harder than they say it really is. 

The real reason was because I liked how the smoke would come out milky white and curl around me. It would take form in front of me and tell me how to write. It cleared my mind. I'll be honest I made some of my best decisions while thick smoke surrounded me.

When it's just you and your thoughts and a clear mind and no worries problems can be fixed. What seemed like a hurdle is actually just a step in a ladder.

I'm definitely not saying it's a cure all, it's not, it just causes new problems. Like family ties don't quite seem as important and friends wouldn't quite understand. Just me and the thick smoke. Losing my mind with every breath. Regaining consciousness with every line I would write. Life was simpler and things made sense.

I mean I didn't think I would ever do it in my entire life. But look at what happened. Now my dreams consist of thick forests, white smoke, and my demons.

I don't know what I really want from me. I know it doesn't have to do with this. 

I cleaned up and found god. I think that's the only way. Yeah it's not addictive but it is. You can't feel like that any other way so.. You tell me what you think. But it's been 8 months and I have never seen things more clearly and my poems actually make sense. I can finally walk into my house with out shades on. I can look my mom in the eye now and tell her I'm free. My dad stopped questioning me every night. My friends understand and help me the best they can. The last 8 months have been the best of my life and I'm sober. You don't need substances to "live your life." I'm doing just fine with out it. 

Every girl

Every girl I have ever dated has daddy issues. And maybe it's because I can relate because when your father has been drunk for most of your life you tend to have a few issues. It's something I can't escape by sleepin because for the longest time he was my nightmare day in and day out. So maybe that is why every girl I dated has daddy issues. 

Every girl I have dated has brown hair and brown eyes. I could tell them they had beauty but they would never believe me because "who likes brown hair and dull brown eyes?" If they could only see what I saw.

Every girl I have ever dated is a queen. Every girl deserves to be treated like royalty. I would say if a guy ever stops treating you like royalty then he isn't the one, but that can only go on for so long. I did my best but it's never enough. I can only be a gentlemen for so long before I can't take it. I mean we all have tempers and it's impossible not to get angry when you get nothing in return. 

Every girl I have ever dated says I leave them wanting more. I can't give them everything because I'm to tied up to all my fears and failures and frankly my dear I don't give a damn.

They always say I'm too cold. Well let me put it this way if I can't escape the prison inside my mind what makes you think I can make it through a labyrinth of emotions.

I don't have enough time in my life to figure myself out so it's going to be as hard as hell for you. 

Angels

Are we hoping to just find that Angel in bed that can wrestle the Devil right out of our head? Saying every second is heaven even though I know perfectly the skies say it's hell

A poem I guess?

These days all we do is take static to the brain

And let it drain... To oblivion

Walking on paper thin... ice 

Praying in the name of Christ 

To feel heard 

When all we are is just a herd... Of cattle

So saddle up 

Face your fears 

Look for that release 

And notice you're on a leash... Tied 

By hate and try and find 

A simple release..

One that takes you away from that mediocrity... 

That you call life 

Rain storm

How can some say they love you for years and then desert ya

It comes with mental turbulence head up in the cumulus 

Blaming the weather or whatever on her moodiness

My main storm but I'm barely on her radar

So my heart sinks or the pain floats

I'm in a shit storm shoulda wore a rain coat

The clouds breaking but I can tell that it's over 

Cause she's my sunshine but I'm catching melanoma 

So let the rain come down

Let it fall let it fall

Where??

Red clouds, blue lights, purple haze clings to the night

One breath, sunset, left hand clutched to the chest

Fading screams, daydreams, praying that it's all make believe

Old man, listen, radio transmissions

Heavy heart, cold feet, pandemonium in the streets

Uptown, sirens sound, world turns upside down

Old love, new fear, separated unclear

Pay phone, dial tone, maybe she's safe at home

No clouds, no lights, his gaze clings to the night

Long roads, ash sky, not a friendly face in sight

Magpies, bones dry, not a tear left in his eye

No space, no time, only living to survive

No help, cards dealt, every man fends for himself

Deep sighs, wide eyes, mushroom clouds in the sky

And the world keeps falling down 

Misplaced

My eyes are swollen because I can't have you around

But nothing to do, nothing to say 

because after all I pushed you away. 

It's all slipping away from me. 

my heart is heavy and it keeps me to the ground. 

I can be anything you want me to be. 

If you could forgive me now it would probably be to soon. 

You're slipping away from me.. 

She

I fell in love with the way her eyes shine when she laughs. The way she looks after you kiss her. I fell in love with the way she shivers when I touch the small of her back. I fell in love with the way she sings out of tune, the way she smiles, and the way she dances. 

She fell in love with the stupid way I talked. The way I thought I could rhyme anything with her name. She fell in love with the way I walked because I held myself like a king. She fell in love with the way I made her feel, because no one had done it quite like that. She loved the way she could make me laugh by touching my side.

We loved the times we spent together because we were blind to the world around us. We loved the good times because no one wants to remember the bad times. We loved holding hands like it was our last life line and kisses were like being reborn again. We would get lost in time laying next to eachother because we were one with the stars.

But She twisted my insides till they ripped. I bled out on her porch begging to be saved. She said she never really meant it when she said I love you because I'm just not that person and you have to many problems to bring me with you. She stole my heart and refused to give it back. I was dying and she didn't care, she kicked me when I was down. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't stand, I was dead before I even knew it. 

The man in the mirror

Tell the boys it's just the man in the mirror...

To me this means let them know that the only one they can count on is the one they see looking back in the mirror. That man you see in the mirror can never let you down unless you let yourself down. What you see is what you get. Make that man someone you can rely on. 

Just my thoughts about that today. 

Drive

I go crazy because I'm not where I want to be. I will only have satisfaction when I am on the threshold of hell and prevail. There is nothing more satisfying than proving people wrong. Especially the people close to you. They believe in you but they always say you can't do something. If this doesn't drive you forward you are a lost cause. I'm afraid that if it doesn't nothing in this world can motivate you. 

Eight months

Eight months later writing poems in the same chair. Sometimes it works better when I ain't here. A lot of times I act like I don't care life keeps Falling apart when I ain't there. Ain't scared to tell you I'm lost. It's just a homemade cross. Credit scores, payment costs it didn't cost the world but it cost a lot. Wasn't kidding when I said these were the best times. Best lines came in depressed times. Move on move out if they stop you pick up and build a new route keep em watching. Wasn't one to pick apart  a sunny day. Keep the sun at my back I'm on my way. Ignore the fact that you're a runaway, some run faster than others it's a funny race. One foot in front of the other, where lightning strikes there is bound to be thunder. 

The end

This is what I rapped at the final if any of you were wondering.

Bout time to go to work another day another dollar

Rock my favorite shirt had to iron out the collar

Iron out the creases in my life with good karma

Been working out hoping that it help me live longa

If she don't work out then at least I'll be stronga 

Times I felt helpless couldn't take it any longa

My Friends be wakin up breathin marijuana 

Spent the Fall liftin burnin steam like a sauna

A lot of different cliques that I no longer belong ta

Show no love to the ones that did me wrong

Cause energy is strong

Move your soul like a song does 

I ain't worried about them I was born tough

Grew money out of the emptiness of your love

But the vibe is still real

No one dying for a cause they just dying for a thrill

Environment still how you feel inside your mind 

Heart 93 felt shivers down my spine

Got to be deliberate

This is my deliverance

Pretty sure it's destiny

But really what's the difference

Millions of moments in time looking for significance 

Kids using drugs like there is nothing that they couldn't fix

Can't remember how it felt to be innocent 

Can't go back wonder how it ends

Bite from an apple kids follow trends

Money make you act like something 

that you ain't

Reminds me of the days where we 

were young and never lonely

But I've been dying from my dreams getting no sleep 

Reality

There are 7 billion people on this earth why should I give a damn what this one stranger thinks of me?

Fear makes everything fade to black even my faded heart of gold like the things that matter are so hard to hold. In a casket are the dead and cold. But I wait for the light at the end of the tunnel till it hits me and it was a train.

I speak to you in riddles because my words get in the way 

2K14

I don't know about all of you guys but I just came to party
Late nights with no sleep
Just dancing and singing till our knees collapse with our lungs
I didn't come for classes
I came to have a good time and a little bit of fun
I did it for my friends and my team

I did it for the ones who don't know themselves

I did it for the ones lookin for nothing

I did it for the ones who had everything but were lonely

I did it for myself to feel free again
I just came to party
I came back for the ladies I will never see again
for the late night kisses stressin the next call
Lookin for the next one
Regretting all the things I never did
Plan to make things happen that never could
Remembering all the nights I didn't take advantage of
Wishing I could go back with them again

I just came to lose myself so I could find the real me

Lost in sketchy ideas of what is really right

I came to meet new people and just be me 

This is my bow out of 2014

Nobody

I will let you know right now nobody cares! They do not care if you will graduate! They do not care if you will do anything productive with your life!! They do not care what school you will be going to, or what party you will be attending, or wether or not you got a good nights rest. Nobody will care when you fade from their memory. Nobody will care what you did in highschool because it means absolutely nothing. 

WAKE UP!!!!!

We do not care what you did when you were five, or last year, or last month. 

Stop talking about the past!!

You can not change the past! It is set in stone, so stop trying. Why would you want to change it in the first place?! Oh you made a couple mistakes? Well welcome to life we all make mistakes!!

I will tell you this though, I would not change my past for anything! It made me who I am today. If you are unhappy about where you are at in life make some changes in your life! Don't talk about change make it happen!!

You are the only one in control of your life so make the changes YOU NEED

Got to be deliberate 

This is my deliverance 

Pretty sure it's destiny

But really what's the difference 

Staying in moments 

trying to find significance 

#realtalk

Man you want something real? Alright, I wake up every morning at 4:30 to make it on time to wrestling practice. I practice for an hour and a half and get ready for school. Once I get home I change into workout clothes hit the gym and go from there to another wrestling practice for two and a half hours. By the time I get home I am so tired it's hard to not fall asleep while walking around. 

You want something real? I lose fifteen pounds on a regular basis. I kill my body all week so that I can perform my best. Now wrap your mind around that.

I would rather work out alone than be wth anyone. Friends don't matter because I don't have time for that. I have time for my dreams and that's it. If you think I'm kidding ask people who really know me. I barely have time for school. My dreams keep me up because if I'm not getting better my opponent is. If I'm not the hardest working man alive I will work until I am. 

I don't have time to party. I don't have time for anything but my wrestling aspirations. Now that's something real. 

(no title)

I can't sleep

I can't think 

I can't breathe

 

I will do anything on earth to feel free

The Thoughts

Late night thoughts keep my pen rollin.

Heartachin cause I'm storm chasin.

She's a devil in disguise that stole my soul as a sacrifice.

Tryna play nice with an icy heart.

Losin faith in me, you, and us.

Givin up on dreams because I haven't slept since last year.

I'm calling to say this won't be worth the tears. 

I'm ready to face my fears alone. 

It's Hard to Breathe

I find it is hard to breathe
Your lies are suffocating me
I'm in to deep with secrets to escape

Your lies are tangling nooses
I can see the shadows sing
Time stands still
Maybe this is all a dream
I may never wake up

If you could give me a reason to start again
Give me a reason to breathe
Like the way you did before

Wake up and take my hand
We could find a way to breathe

Your eyes are swallowing me
the mirrors are whispering
my skin is smothering me

Man I remember!!

Man I remember the first time I felt a beat... I'm not talking about listening I'm talking about actually feelin it, you know deep inside your soul that pulls words out like a rain storm. 

I remember when she smelled like sugar and flowers and smoke!! It was intoxicating. It's one of those things I will never forget because no one forgets their first heart ache. 

I remember the first time I won a wrestling match. I weighed in at 110 lbs against my opponent from Alta and pinned him in the second round! It made mom so proud.

I remember the day I crashed my dirt bike. I was more worried of what my dad would say about the condition of the bike than I was about the condition of my body. I tore the skin from my hands, knees, and elbows. I walked the bike home and got into the house before I realized I was even bleeding. 

I remember when I got in my first fight. It was behind the football bleachers. The fight ended fast. I remember thinking I was tough. I don't even know how the fight started. 

I remember sleeping in the rain. I didn't come in because I felt like it was washing away my sins. That was the best night of sleep I have ever had. 

The Tragic and Untimely Death of Kal Donovan

Kal realizing he was no longer alive walked to the end of his hallway. It didn't seem like he had really died, however he remembered getting shot. Clutching his wound, seeing his bloodstained hands. He had no doubt that it was the end. Reaching the doorway at the end of the hallway he opens the door into an expansive theater. It wasn't all that surprising to Kal that it was showing his life on the screen. He took the only seat in the theater and watched himself grow to the age of 27. He watched as he learned to walk and talk. He watched as him and his dad went fishing for the first time. Oh how he loved fishing. Where did all of his time go. He did what he was supposed to what everyone was supposed to. He graduated highschool, went to college, got a job and started a family. He was a civil engineer working on a new bridge. He had everything he ever wanted.

In the corner of the screen Kal saw something he didn't really expect. It was showing a man he had never met, well not really. He knew it was the man that shot him but that is all he knew. The man was scaveging food from a trash can. The man left with a few scraps, Kal watched as the man walked under the very bridge that Kal had been working on. 

Under the bridge was a small family. This broke Kals heart. They reminded him so much of his own. The man had a young wife and two sons just like Kal. 

It started rewinding slow at first but it picked up speed as it went. It slowed down and then resumed. The man was asking for a loan from a well dressed man. It skipped ahead he was getting beaten by the man next to a burning building. It must have been his home. 

It skipped ahead once more and the man was walking down the street by Kals house. He saw himself walking towards the man. He knew it was coming but he couldn't help but flinch when the shot went off. 

The man went through Kals pockets and took everything he had on him. Kal shivered, it was odd watching your own death. The scene skipped ahead and the man was given a key in exchange for Kals wallet, by the same well dressed man he had got the loan from. How strange.. 

It skipped forward again and the man and his family were opening a door to an apartment in the inner city. Kal had given his life so another could survive, survival of the fittest or the most evolved I guess. It would seem his untimely death was really just a new beginning.

Black out

Warriors start slowly

The golden warriors stumble

8 shots

Falling by 11s 

Forcing two to steady

And realize theres still plenty to knock off

Poetically Speaking

Some nights I don't sleep at all 

staring at a spider as its creeping up the wall

I ain't got no one else in this device I can call

I hate my whole damn life I feel small

at a crossroad talkin to lost souls

they hit me back to say they understand my thoughts though 

leavin my heart open like my soul is leakin 

the worlds so cold I stay below freezin

People breathe hatred for no reason

destined for greatness

Tryin to make it up to heaven but I'm stressing on the wait list

It feels like I'm the only one that can save this

its an internal battle between hope and fear

my reflection in the ocean is all smoke and mirrors

I'm hoping people can keep an open ear

Instructions

This is instructions on how to forget about blogging

1. Look out the window 

     . If the weather is good go outside

2. Grab your notebook

3. Go somewhere no one will care to look

4. Make sure you bring pens and pencils

5. Pour out your soul on the page

6. Turn it into poetry

7. Rewrite it

8. Erase some lines

9. Add some lines

10. Revise the new lines

11. Scratch the whole poem 

12. Start off with something a little more simple like the weather or frogs

14. Remember 13 is unlucky

15. Forget the poem about frogs and the weather because people want to hear about love and loss

16. If you want to write something real good first off you wouldn't need instructions because it flows like a flooding river

Or you could just say screw writing this weekend and go fishing

Class

Writing a post while we are all discussing the revealing of the names. All I got to say is well it was coming anyways so... Get over it. I believe that it is a good way to get through the suspense of waiting for it to happen and here it is! You should be able to write whatever you want and not worry what others think about your writing!!

Are you writing for yourself or are you writing for what you think people want.

You should be writing for yourself and who cares what they think. It's your soul on the internet and if you are afraid of that.. Then well I'm sorry you are in the wrong class. 

(Drops mic)

Sad Chair

Alone Not Lonely

My Top 5

1.Alec Hardison Welcome to the club

2.Holden Caulfield for you in the dark

3.Destiny Preach B&W Moonshine

4.Charles Carmichael Life Is Harder Than It Looks

5.Sage R. Sorry

Inside

I wonder what it's like inside other people's minds. I think we would find that everyone is crazy. That everyone has their own imagination wether it would be interesting to you is beyond me. I also think some people's imagination is just in a deep sleep put there by school, rational thought, and numbers. If we could wake up their imagination then we could get lost in fantasy worlds for days created by the one we are seeing inside of. 

It would be interesting to see what dark things the imagination can conjure up it would show you that persons deepest unconscious fears. 

You could also see their passions and desires. 

If you really think about it you could use ones unconcious thoughts as a weapon against them. 

If you could see inside others minds you would be able to gather all the information you need to get your way in every situation. You would become the most powerful person in the world. You would be unstoppable in whatever you do because you would be able to perceive their next move. 

And these are the thoughts I have as I travel cross country. Ruling the world using imagination and hypothetical questions. 

Jealous

Well I know this isn't exactly the prompt but I don't exactly have my poems with me. 

I am jealous of people that happen to be more privileged than I have been. I look at them and wish that I didn't have to work for anything. 

It's hard to work for everything that you receive. It really is but it has it's perks. I know what the real world is going to be like more than people that are handed everything. 

I wonder if they are jealous of me. 

They could be but I probably will never know. 

I am not jealous of many people but people of privilege are who I'm jealous of. 

Anything and Everything

Let's say you just received a million dollars. You don't have to pay taxes on this money or on any of the money you receive from gambling or investing it or in any other way it could make you money. 

You can do anything you want with it. What would you do? Would you spend it on a nice house, a new car? Well you could buy a pretty nice car but probably not the car of your dreams, and if you spend it on a house well you won't have a mansion but it will be a decent sized house. 

Would you invest it all? Or bet on a game or a fight or whatever you want? Well investing is a really good thing to do with money it is hard to make a profit from the stock market. You have a pretty high chance of losing money. If you bet your money on anything the odds are never in your favor for instance everything in a Casino is designed to make you fail. If you bet on a game yeah it's 50/50 but you never know who could win. It depends on who wants it more and there is no way ou can know that. 

Would you save it? I'm just going to say putting all of your money in a bank is useless. 

Here's what I woul say is the best thing you could do. Use the new found wealth to help some people out. I mean you have been doing just fine before recieving this money. So maybe you should use it to help the people around you like family members in need or that friend that has always wanted to open a floral shop. People remember the things you do for them. If you help them when they are in need they will help you when you are in need. You can't feel bad for helping the ones you love. By helping others you are making your self a safety net for the future because who knows what will happen five maybe ten years down the road. Better to be safe than sorry. 

The moon

The moon is an unknown beauty that the sun chases across the sky. She shines bright and beautiful on her best days. When she isn't around the streets are dark and cold except for the street lamps. The moon mourns the loss of a loved one in solitude. In darkness. No one can comfort the moon. Apparently people have been to the moon. It's so far away but I can only imagine how beautiful the surface is. What it would be like to be there is unlike any thing we could possibly imagine I'm sure! 

Maybe no one actually made it to the moon and so there really is no way we can save her from her deep depression. Maybe the mission failed and because we were embarrassed we made it up. It was just to keep us proud of our nation. If we failed it's probably because the sun wants her for himself. He burned us out of the sky to protect the one he loves from a distance. 

We don't know anything about the moon or the sun. They are two higher powers in the sky that watch over us in strange ways. We can't possibly understand them. And maybe it's a good thing we don't. 

Rock

Rock. If you don't like rock music chances are we aren't friends. We may have talked once but I always ask about music so that was probably the last time we will ever talk. 

Unless you said you like rock music in which case I probably named off a few bands to see how you reacted to each and see what kind of rock music you like. For example Evans Blue, Five Finger Death Punch, Disturbed, Tool, Metallica, Kansas, AC/DC, Volbeat and numerous others. Depending on which you know I would then ask what's your favorite album by them and then song.

I take my music very seriously. Like I think all people should. If you don't like the same music as some one how can you even interact with them? To me it is nearly impossible because music is a big deal to me.

I like cranking my music up loud and letting the whole world know what I'm listening to. You have to take pride in the music that takes months sometimes years to make. You don't see that much time being put into a lot of the music that is around today. It kind of really frustrates me that you don't even need to write your own music anymore. You just need to be good at playing it or singing it. There isn't much talent in a lot of the popular music.

At least that is my opinion 

If I were to die

If I knew I was going to do in the possibly very near future, I know exactly what I would do.  

I would grab my fishing pole, knife, boots, and flint and steel and head up into the mountains. I would find a lake and fish and fish and fish. I would just go camping for a few weeks and make a shelter in the woods. I have always wanted to do this! 

Maybe grow a gnarly beard and tame wild animals I don't know let's see what happens! Maybe come back into town riding on the back of an elk because why not?! 

Problem is I know I'm going to die in the near future I'm bed ridden and all I have to escape is what ever I can imagine. A trip to the moon or a far off galaxy! Maybe I find myself ruling the great nation of Rome and conquering lands that have beasts out of legends. Maybe I'm a wizard or a barbarian or a rat but whatever it is I want to do I can. I'm bed ridden I'm dying but I still can escape. I know exactly what I would do. 

The heart wants what the heart wants but it's never enough. 

Tripping

It always scares me when I trip. It's unexpected. I hate it. I mean I will be walking around and the next thing I know I am laying face down on the pavement. I lie there for a bit in shock. You would think since I have been walking for 17 years I would no longer trip over my own feet. However it happens on a regular basis. My body isn't as smart as I think it is. 

I have learned to play it off like nothing happened. Or make a joke about it. Try not to make myself seem as stupid. But I trip as much as my jokes fail. It's more often than you would think. 

I got a way to look at it though. Maybe when I trip I am actually being saved. Like a giant hawk is swooping down to lift me off the ground and fly me to it's nest to get torn to pieces by it's man eating children. But because I tripped the hawk assumes I'm not worthy prey. Or maybe I tripped because ants created a trap for me so they would be fed for years to come. I guess I didn't really get saved just a different demise. 

Things to do

Here is a list of things to do before I die in this particular order anything that happens out of order doesn't count

1. Get on the most wanted list

2. Befriend criminals 

3. Turns out I'm a CIA agent

4. Turn them all in

5. Receive service medals

6. Retire

7. Come out of retirement

8. Find a new world

9. Populate world

10. Lead this new world 

11. Leave them to their devices 

12. Return and become the savior of this world

13. Leave again but this time I don't return

14. Return to earth

15. Wake up

16. Realize I'm dreaming

17. Check clock

18. Stare at ceiling

19. Graduate highschool

20. That two year deal

21. College

22. Become an engineer

23. Get a job

24. Get married

25. Raise wolves

26. Raise children with wolves

27. Realize That wasn't a good idea

28. Save kids

29. Scold wolves

30. Skip town with the buddies

31. Fishing

32. Hunting

33. Tracking

34. Skinning

35. Tagging

36. Return home looking like a mountain man

37. Support children in activities

172. Grow old

173. Crack a few jokes 

174. Pretend I'm dead

175. Laugh at everyone

176. Pass away as a hero 

And there is that it's more like a rough outline of what I hope happens

Colors

Color is a wonderful thing. So many different combinations that make distinct colors so dazzling it would make your head spin. So deep and vibrant it makes it hard to look at. So dark and smooth it's like swimming in a ocean by moonlight. 

You got happy colors, sad colors, and exciting colors. Color makes an impression and stirs up emotion the likes of which is hard to comprehend. 

However they can only stir emotion if they are put just so in a painting or drawing. It takes trial and error. But eventually a masterpiece is created wether it was made by a master or not. 

Let's pick up our paintbrushes get out our colored pencils our crayons charcoal or chalk. Let's make mistakes. Let's start to create our masterpiece. Whatever it might be. You are the artist of your life let's start off simple with a few strokes of color. Let your imagination run and you will be happy with where you end up because you created the world around you. You are bound to make mistakes, it just happens. But you can play it into your favor and turn it into a big part of the overall masterpiece. 

It is yours after all.

Fear

Fear makes everything fade to black even my faded heart of gold like the things that matter are so hard to hold. Like the ones in a casket are the dead and cold. But I wait for the light at the end of the tunnel. Till it hits me and it was a train. 

Fear drowns out emotions and your thought process. It is incredible what people do in fear of what others can do to them or what others think of them. Fear is an unreasonable feeling. It is unreasonable but it can make a huge difference. 

Fear is a motivator. It can be a good thing but it also can be a bad thing. People that let fear control them only find more fear. You should use the fear you feel to make a difference use that fear for good. Let it motivate you in the right direction. Fear is a great thing. It is impossible to be fearless you can pretend but we are all afraid of something wether you want to admit it to yourself or not. 

Use that fear to inspire others let them believe you are fearless. Lead not by fear but with your fear.

One question

Can you feel me now?

Nothing is concrete

Concrete doesn't start out solid. It's runny sometimes. And lumpy. Somewhere in between it's a solid and perfect. It ends up chipping and breaking down. It turns to dust. 

I find most things in life start out runny and then become solid. It eventually breaksdown for one reason or another right when things were going good! Right when you have fancy cars in the driveway it chips away and turns to dust. 

Nothing stays the same it changes and adapts. Or it dies. Relationships, buildings, really anything created, and animals. The only thing I can think of that stays the same are numbers. And some parts of science. 

Saying something is concrete is a lie. But then again it really isn't because if everything changes the only thing not concrete are numbers and parts of science. Temporary things are beautiful and we are surrounded by things that are concrete but short lived. 

Different

Being different is normal. We all strive to have at least one thing that makes us different and makes us stand out. We want to be the black spot on a white wall. A flower in the desert. 

We sometimes become so obsessed with being different that we end up the same as everyone else. We can't help it but we strive to be different. 

Some times we are outcasts because we are different. You don't need to be though. The reason you are an outcast is because you are so different it scares people but in a good way. The people around you secretly want to do what you do and be who you are. 

We want to be different but in the end we all fall into groups that share the same differences. Slight variations throughout the group but for the most part you aren't really different than the person standing next to you. And that's why you embrace or reject their "differences"

I Want To Be

I want to be everything my parents weren't. I want to be successful. I want to go my own way and not make the mistakes they did. I want to be myself. I want to quit being alone. I want to be everything that seems to be out of reach. I want to be a hero. I want to be the best I can be at everything I do.

I can't have what I want. Well not right now at least. It's close I can feel it. I made it to the top in what I love most.  It's lonely at the top. But I love it up here. I can see so far out and around me. I can see the people trying to get to where I am. But no one seems able enough to make it the last little bit. so It's lonely up here. But I want to be at the bottom again. It's more about the journey than the final destination.

I want to be a loser so I can sympathize with the weak. I want to be the best and then the very next moment the worst. All so I can know what it's like to lose everything. Maybe I would learn to feel. I am an empty shell.

I want to be a leader. I want to teach people to better themselves. It seems pointless because I don't even know what I'm doing. I want to lead people to their destinies. I want to be that person that everyone looks up to and trusts to get them to their final goal.

Everything I want to be will make me the person I want to be.

Strong.
Resilient.
Understanding.
Humble.
A Hero.

Love

Showing love to another person is foolish. 

Mostly because I'm too busy for feelings.

I'm busy making my dreams come true.

Others give everything up for someone thinking they are "the one".

Sorry to tell you but you are wasting your time. 

Follow your dreams we are all too young for love because we still need to live our lives. 

Figure out what you wanna do and stick with it. 

Nobody should stand in your way. 

You accomplish your goals.

And then maybe you are ready to love.

I Had a Dream

I had a dream that I was flying over the mountains. Looking down at all the people I know. It was interesting to see what everyone was doing even though it didn't make a lot of sense. People were planting snakes and hanging clothes from burning trees. It didn't make sense, doesn't make sense. Maybe it has something to do with the books I'm reading. There are no snakes in my books and nothing ever burns. maybe my dreams are trying to tell me something. maybe they are saying when you see people planting snakes the world is ending so be prepared.

Who knows.
If you know tell me.
Or if you know someone who understands it let me know.

It was odd but what can you do about it. It was just a dream. Just a dream. Our subconscious is weird but I heard it has to do with something you are dealing with. I'm not dealing with much of anything. maybe it's just trying to spice up my life by making random dreams. or it's a deep seeded fear I haven't realized yet.

Only time will tell I guess.

Creativity and Childhood

Creativity is a childish attribute. As we grow older we lose our creativity and I think it is because things get hard and creativity and imagination aren't solid enough for us to hold on to. Reality sets in and the next thing you know it's hard to be creative because we have seen otherwise. It is to easy to be like everyone else.

 Why can't we all just be ourselves?

Well maybe we like uniformity. we like groups and things that stay the same. things that are solid so they don't slip through our fingers like so many other things do.

I want to go back to when i was a little kid 3 feet tall innocent and free. I remember picking grass with my friends and eating the ends like we were cowboys. Jumping over bushes and hiding in trees playing night games. I remember digging giant holes and making sandcastles. Playing with bugs and getting stung by bees with a smile on my face. Running in the streets, playing in fields, swimming till dark and playing silly games. Lightsaber fights and trampoline contests spending countless hours in the sun, rain and snow. Watching my dad play hockey and get into fights going home early and eating out.

My childhood was so much better than my life now.
Now all I do is the same thing everyday all because things got hard.
Things aren't as fun

Winning

To me winning is everything. If I'm not winning I don't know what else to do. Winning is the best feeling in the world. It's good to know that your hardwork is finally paying off. It makes the journey worth it.

Losing, losing is the one thing I hate most in this world. It sucks to lose however, if you never lose then winning doesn't mean anything. 

You got to take the wins humbly and the losses have to motivate you to work harder. Winning isn't everything but it makes everything worth it.

What it means to be

What it means to be...

I still don't know what it means to be a person or a human or what ever it is that most people are. It seems like Everyone has their own groups I guess that is part of living. I guess everyone needs to feel like they are accepted by people that share the same interests. I guess Fitting in is living to most

To some living is going out of your way to do something new and exciting. That way you never get bored and have the stories to tell your children's children.

To me to live is to be different than everyone else. I am living more than most people around me because I'm different. I do things most people don't because to me it is interesting. I am not trying to fit in with other people because I am my own person. 

To be human to be alive is up to you not the people around you 

Intro

So I guess this is my intro! I haven't thought about what I would write, so I guess this is a hello I'm Abner! I wonder how many people will read this. Any way my name means Greek Warrior which I guess is pretty cool, I didn't know what other name I could have possibly picked other than the infinite amount of ways you can put our 26 characters we call an alphabet into different arrangements but I think it's a good one. It seems out of place but it fits in an odd way I don't quite understand it. It's like one of those puzzle pieces that has a whole bunch of weird edges but somehow fits ino the picture. Well that's enough about my weird name! Any way I don't think there is anything else for me to say at the moment so farewell for the time being