Thick smoke

I'm not saying I made the best decisions. Or what I did was right. I did what I did cause it was cool or maybe it's because peer pressure is harder than they say it really is. 

The real reason was because I liked how the smoke would come out milky white and curl around me. It would take form in front of me and tell me how to write. It cleared my mind. I'll be honest I made some of my best decisions while thick smoke surrounded me.

When it's just you and your thoughts and a clear mind and no worries problems can be fixed. What seemed like a hurdle is actually just a step in a ladder.

I'm definitely not saying it's a cure all, it's not, it just causes new problems. Like family ties don't quite seem as important and friends wouldn't quite understand. Just me and the thick smoke. Losing my mind with every breath. Regaining consciousness with every line I would write. Life was simpler and things made sense.

I mean I didn't think I would ever do it in my entire life. But look at what happened. Now my dreams consist of thick forests, white smoke, and my demons.

I don't know what I really want from me. I know it doesn't have to do with this. 

I cleaned up and found god. I think that's the only way. Yeah it's not addictive but it is. You can't feel like that any other way so.. You tell me what you think. But it's been 8 months and I have never seen things more clearly and my poems actually make sense. I can finally walk into my house with out shades on. I can look my mom in the eye now and tell her I'm free. My dad stopped questioning me every night. My friends understand and help me the best they can. The last 8 months have been the best of my life and I'm sober. You don't need substances to "live your life." I'm doing just fine with out it.