I'm done

I will no longer be writing for a number of reasons. 

Too short, too long

All it is, is off and on, off and on, I know it won't be that long

Holding strong, holding strong, it won't be long

Intoxicated

I'm intoxicated just can't take it 

Everyday of my life I feel like I'm faded

To a place I don't recognize or care to be

All this care free living don't really scare me

I said I'm intoxicated just can't take it

Everyday of my life I feel like I'm kinda faded

I don't wanna be don't wanna don't wanna be

I just want to go home

To where my bed is 

To Where my heart lies

To where my chest gets big when I talk to bar flies

Where it's actually refreshing to sniff the outside

And on Sunday mornings we like to go for a drive

Where our shoes fit nice and everybody is polite

And I can say your girls pretty without starting a fight

Because we all self aware nobody is jealous

And she doesn't get mad when I kick it with the fellas

Cause she knows that she's mine and I know that I'm hers

I've learned self expression through rappin my words

I've learned every situation doesn't have a cure

And I know I'm gonna make it through at least I'm pretty sure

I've been gone for sometime just long enough to feel that the churning in my stomach is actually real

I called home the other night and felt it go away

I might be gone for a time but you know I can't stay

Cause I'm intoxicated just can't take it

Everyday of my life I feel like I'm faded

To a place I don't recognize or care to be

I just wanna go home

Home where the road only knows one path

Where my nose can tell me where exactly I'm standing at

Cause familiar smells bring comforting feelings

Helps us forget these prison cells even have ceilings

Helps to cope with the feelings that we talk with to the dawn 

Another late night doubtful and when the day breaks I'm gone 

We're all just pawns in this game 

And I just keep on singin

And my phone keeps ringin

And my head keeps spinnin

And I keep on thinkin that there's something that I'm forgettin 

Heaven/Hell

Twisting lines of the bible because I know once upon a time I was told if I was good I would make it to heaven. 

It's hard to do good when you got more demons than the number of angels in the heavens. 

Living in hell because I like the heat. I always liked fire anyways. 

Selling my soul to be a lady killer, billionaire.

We are all just sinners and thieves some of us just have better masks. 

Thick smoke

I'm not saying I made the best decisions. Or what I did was right. I did what I did cause it was cool or maybe it's because peer pressure is harder than they say it really is. 

The real reason was because I liked how the smoke would come out milky white and curl around me. It would take form in front of me and tell me how to write. It cleared my mind. I'll be honest I made some of my best decisions while thick smoke surrounded me.

When it's just you and your thoughts and a clear mind and no worries problems can be fixed. What seemed like a hurdle is actually just a step in a ladder.

I'm definitely not saying it's a cure all, it's not, it just causes new problems. Like family ties don't quite seem as important and friends wouldn't quite understand. Just me and the thick smoke. Losing my mind with every breath. Regaining consciousness with every line I would write. Life was simpler and things made sense.

I mean I didn't think I would ever do it in my entire life. But look at what happened. Now my dreams consist of thick forests, white smoke, and my demons.

I don't know what I really want from me. I know it doesn't have to do with this. 

I cleaned up and found god. I think that's the only way. Yeah it's not addictive but it is. You can't feel like that any other way so.. You tell me what you think. But it's been 8 months and I have never seen things more clearly and my poems actually make sense. I can finally walk into my house with out shades on. I can look my mom in the eye now and tell her I'm free. My dad stopped questioning me every night. My friends understand and help me the best they can. The last 8 months have been the best of my life and I'm sober. You don't need substances to "live your life." I'm doing just fine with out it. 

Every girl

Every girl I have ever dated has daddy issues. And maybe it's because I can relate because when your father has been drunk for most of your life you tend to have a few issues. It's something I can't escape by sleepin because for the longest time he was my nightmare day in and day out. So maybe that is why every girl I dated has daddy issues. 

Every girl I have dated has brown hair and brown eyes. I could tell them they had beauty but they would never believe me because "who likes brown hair and dull brown eyes?" If they could only see what I saw.

Every girl I have ever dated is a queen. Every girl deserves to be treated like royalty. I would say if a guy ever stops treating you like royalty then he isn't the one, but that can only go on for so long. I did my best but it's never enough. I can only be a gentlemen for so long before I can't take it. I mean we all have tempers and it's impossible not to get angry when you get nothing in return. 

Every girl I have ever dated says I leave them wanting more. I can't give them everything because I'm to tied up to all my fears and failures and frankly my dear I don't give a damn.

They always say I'm too cold. Well let me put it this way if I can't escape the prison inside my mind what makes you think I can make it through a labyrinth of emotions.

I don't have enough time in my life to figure myself out so it's going to be as hard as hell for you. 

Angels

Are we hoping to just find that Angel in bed that can wrestle the Devil right out of our head? Saying every second is heaven even though I know perfectly the skies say it's hell

A poem I guess?

These days all we do is take static to the brain

And let it drain... To oblivion

Walking on paper thin... ice 

Praying in the name of Christ 

To feel heard 

When all we are is just a herd... Of cattle

So saddle up 

Face your fears 

Look for that release 

And notice you're on a leash... Tied 

By hate and try and find 

A simple release..

One that takes you away from that mediocrity... 

That you call life 

Rain storm

How can some say they love you for years and then desert ya

It comes with mental turbulence head up in the cumulus 

Blaming the weather or whatever on her moodiness

My main storm but I'm barely on her radar

So my heart sinks or the pain floats

I'm in a shit storm shoulda wore a rain coat

The clouds breaking but I can tell that it's over 

Cause she's my sunshine but I'm catching melanoma 

So let the rain come down

Let it fall let it fall

Where??

Red clouds, blue lights, purple haze clings to the night

One breath, sunset, left hand clutched to the chest

Fading screams, daydreams, praying that it's all make believe

Old man, listen, radio transmissions

Heavy heart, cold feet, pandemonium in the streets

Uptown, sirens sound, world turns upside down

Old love, new fear, separated unclear

Pay phone, dial tone, maybe she's safe at home

No clouds, no lights, his gaze clings to the night

Long roads, ash sky, not a friendly face in sight

Magpies, bones dry, not a tear left in his eye

No space, no time, only living to survive

No help, cards dealt, every man fends for himself

Deep sighs, wide eyes, mushroom clouds in the sky

And the world keeps falling down 

Misplaced

My eyes are swollen because I can't have you around

But nothing to do, nothing to say 

because after all I pushed you away. 

It's all slipping away from me. 

my heart is heavy and it keeps me to the ground. 

I can be anything you want me to be. 

If you could forgive me now it would probably be to soon. 

You're slipping away from me.. 

She

I fell in love with the way her eyes shine when she laughs. The way she looks after you kiss her. I fell in love with the way she shivers when I touch the small of her back. I fell in love with the way she sings out of tune, the way she smiles, and the way she dances. 

She fell in love with the stupid way I talked. The way I thought I could rhyme anything with her name. She fell in love with the way I walked because I held myself like a king. She fell in love with the way I made her feel, because no one had done it quite like that. She loved the way she could make me laugh by touching my side.

We loved the times we spent together because we were blind to the world around us. We loved the good times because no one wants to remember the bad times. We loved holding hands like it was our last life line and kisses were like being reborn again. We would get lost in time laying next to eachother because we were one with the stars.

But She twisted my insides till they ripped. I bled out on her porch begging to be saved. She said she never really meant it when she said I love you because I'm just not that person and you have to many problems to bring me with you. She stole my heart and refused to give it back. I was dying and she didn't care, she kicked me when I was down. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't stand, I was dead before I even knew it. 

The man in the mirror

Tell the boys it's just the man in the mirror...

To me this means let them know that the only one they can count on is the one they see looking back in the mirror. That man you see in the mirror can never let you down unless you let yourself down. What you see is what you get. Make that man someone you can rely on. 

Just my thoughts about that today. 

Drive

I go crazy because I'm not where I want to be. I will only have satisfaction when I am on the threshold of hell and prevail. There is nothing more satisfying than proving people wrong. Especially the people close to you. They believe in you but they always say you can't do something. If this doesn't drive you forward you are a lost cause. I'm afraid that if it doesn't nothing in this world can motivate you. 

Eight months

Eight months later writing poems in the same chair. Sometimes it works better when I ain't here. A lot of times I act like I don't care life keeps Falling apart when I ain't there. Ain't scared to tell you I'm lost. It's just a homemade cross. Credit scores, payment costs it didn't cost the world but it cost a lot. Wasn't kidding when I said these were the best times. Best lines came in depressed times. Move on move out if they stop you pick up and build a new route keep em watching. Wasn't one to pick apart  a sunny day. Keep the sun at my back I'm on my way. Ignore the fact that you're a runaway, some run faster than others it's a funny race. One foot in front of the other, where lightning strikes there is bound to be thunder. 

The end

This is what I rapped at the final if any of you were wondering.

Bout time to go to work another day another dollar

Rock my favorite shirt had to iron out the collar

Iron out the creases in my life with good karma

Been working out hoping that it help me live longa

If she don't work out then at least I'll be stronga 

Times I felt helpless couldn't take it any longa

My Friends be wakin up breathin marijuana 

Spent the Fall liftin burnin steam like a sauna

A lot of different cliques that I no longer belong ta

Show no love to the ones that did me wrong

Cause energy is strong

Move your soul like a song does 

I ain't worried about them I was born tough

Grew money out of the emptiness of your love

But the vibe is still real

No one dying for a cause they just dying for a thrill

Environment still how you feel inside your mind 

Heart 93 felt shivers down my spine

Got to be deliberate

This is my deliverance

Pretty sure it's destiny

But really what's the difference

Millions of moments in time looking for significance 

Kids using drugs like there is nothing that they couldn't fix

Can't remember how it felt to be innocent 

Can't go back wonder how it ends

Bite from an apple kids follow trends

Money make you act like something 

that you ain't

Reminds me of the days where we 

were young and never lonely

But I've been dying from my dreams getting no sleep 

Reality

There are 7 billion people on this earth why should I give a damn what this one stranger thinks of me?

Fear makes everything fade to black even my faded heart of gold like the things that matter are so hard to hold. In a casket are the dead and cold. But I wait for the light at the end of the tunnel till it hits me and it was a train.

I speak to you in riddles because my words get in the way 

2K14

I don't know about all of you guys but I just came to party
Late nights with no sleep
Just dancing and singing till our knees collapse with our lungs
I didn't come for classes
I came to have a good time and a little bit of fun
I did it for my friends and my team

I did it for the ones who don't know themselves

I did it for the ones lookin for nothing

I did it for the ones who had everything but were lonely

I did it for myself to feel free again
I just came to party
I came back for the ladies I will never see again
for the late night kisses stressin the next call
Lookin for the next one
Regretting all the things I never did
Plan to make things happen that never could
Remembering all the nights I didn't take advantage of
Wishing I could go back with them again

I just came to lose myself so I could find the real me

Lost in sketchy ideas of what is really right

I came to meet new people and just be me 

This is my bow out of 2014

Nobody

I will let you know right now nobody cares! They do not care if you will graduate! They do not care if you will do anything productive with your life!! They do not care what school you will be going to, or what party you will be attending, or wether or not you got a good nights rest. Nobody will care when you fade from their memory. Nobody will care what you did in highschool because it means absolutely nothing. 

WAKE UP!!!!!

We do not care what you did when you were five, or last year, or last month. 

Stop talking about the past!!

You can not change the past! It is set in stone, so stop trying. Why would you want to change it in the first place?! Oh you made a couple mistakes? Well welcome to life we all make mistakes!!

I will tell you this though, I would not change my past for anything! It made me who I am today. If you are unhappy about where you are at in life make some changes in your life! Don't talk about change make it happen!!

You are the only one in control of your life so make the changes YOU NEED

Got to be deliberate 

This is my deliverance 

Pretty sure it's destiny

But really what's the difference 

Staying in moments 

trying to find significance